crazy lady, you gotta go

We are officially a little over 3 weeks from closing on our house. Hooray! And we’re moving right along – I dropped off the remainder of our deposit today. I think Scott was in physical pain as he was signing the check last night, but someone had to do it. If it had been coming out of my checking account, that check would have bounced off the table and kept going down the street. Last week we had our inspection and appraisal and things went as smoothly as could be expected.

Oh, have I mentioned that we are buying the house from the craziest effing woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting? Granted I can somewhat understand her anger that she has no problem spewing all over us (considering it is a short sale and she’s walking away with nothing to show for her last 10 years there). But nothing, I repeat, NOTHING prepared us for this woman.

The first time we went to see the house is all a blur. She literally chased us around clapping her hands, yelling “ONE, TWO, THREE! IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!” Her 3 dogs were all up in our faces barking and jumping on us and I barely remembered a thing about the house. I do remember saying quietly to Scott that I loved it, and she turned to me and screamed in my face, “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU LOVE IT! EVERYONE LOVES IT BUT NO ONE IS WILLING TO PAY FOR IT!”

Geez, lady, I’m willing, I’m willing!

So we made an appointment with our agent for a second showing. This time we armed ourselves with the listing agent as well and he made sure she and the dogs would be far, far away. And I loved it even more. So we made an offer.

The part about short sales that I don’t quite understand is that you have to negotiate with the seller, then you have to negotiate with their bank. I get the whole negotiating with the bank part, they are the ones taking the hit by agreeing to sell the house for less than what is still owed on it. They ultimately are the ones you have to be in agreement with because they are the ones you go under contract with. But the whole negotiating with the seller first? Uh…

They wanted to take every single appliance with them and they wouldn’t budge. And I couldn’t walk away from a house that I loved over something we could replace. Granted after paying for a wedding, a honeymoon, and buying the house in the first place, buying every appliance wouldn’t be easy, but it’s doable. I get where they’re coming from – they aren’t getting a penny from the sale of the house, so they’re taking what they can, but from our end, that pretty much sucks. Silver lining? I don’t have to worry about washing my underoos in a used washing machine. Hey, it’s something.

So last Friday was the inspection and appraisal. We arrived at the house at 4pm on the nose and the inspector got to work on the outside. He checked the roof, the foundation, the siding, etc. and everything looked fantastic. Sweet! Then we waited for the seller to show up. And waited. And the tornado siren started going off. And the wind picked up. And the rain started coming down in sheets and the only shelter we had was the carport. (Oh yeah, the house has a carport that totally reminds me of the Brady Bunch. I have no idea why because they had a garage, but it does anyway.) And the carport became a nice little wind tunnel and we couldn’t look east without debris hitting us in the eyes. And finally the lady showed up. Only problem was the second she saw me, Scott, 2 inspectors, the appraiser, and her agent, she freaked. “NO! NO! NO! TOO MANY PEOPLE! I’M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS! YOU ALL HAVE TO GO AWAY! WE ARE NOT DOING THIS TODAY! FINE! YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES THEN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

Um, no you loony psycho nut job, we only have 5 days to get this done and it’s gonna be done right.

So we all followed her inside and were chased around while the inspector showed us the minor issues he found. And the appraiser yelled right back at her when she wouldn’t tell him if there was an attic – I gained so much respect for him, he has no idea. So an hour later, we left dizzy, anxious, weary, but very excited because the inspection came back with only minor things. Hooray again!

I’m a little nervous about the day of the closing. This woman is a hoarder. Seriously, she has more crap than one person should ever have in one house. Case in point, there is a spare oven sitting in the lower level rec room right across from the spare refrigerator. Ya. Spare fridge. ‘Cause, really, you never know when you’ll need a spare oven, too.

I’m afraid of what we’ll find when we do the final walk-through. So help me, if she’s still there, I’m going to cry. There have been talks with our attorney about withholding money, postponing the closing, or walking away if needs be, but if any of these things happen I will not be a happy camper. So I wrote this in hopes that she’ll hear my plea through the power of mental telepathy…

Dear Crazy Lady in My Future House,

First of all, stop yelling at me. I’m sorry you’re losing your house. Second of all, please go away and take all your shit with you. You have 3 weeks.

Thankyouverymuch,

Jaime

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6 Comments

Filed under craziness, home, ridiculousness

6 responses to “crazy lady, you gotta go

  1. She has a spare oven AND fridge, yet she wants to take all the appliances with her?! Cuh-razy. I hope she actually moves out of the house in time… Maybe gift her a moving van rental, ha!

    • Marisa

      This was my thought, too. For real?? Interestingly, Dooce just posted about the crazy train they bought their house from. Are sellers getting loonier?

      Anyway, congrats. And when my husband bought his first house, they took down a gorgeous rock wall right before closing too. Why? No idea!

  2. Jane

    If she’s not out by the time you’ve closed, why don’t you just start throwing her stuff all over the lawn and telling her that he has X amount of time to get it before the garbage man gets there?

    • Marisa

      Good idea… but, ugg, uncomfortable. SOOOO uncomfortable. Maybe you can get someone else to do it?

  3. Pingback: monday morning weekend recap « rabit stew

  4. Congrats on the house!! But hope it’s still intact when you move in 🙂 Oh and if you’re buying appliances, check out abt.com. That’s where we just bought ours – got 18 months no interest, and they price match (but their prices ended up being lower than Home Depot!). We had a great experience with them and in the long run, buy them now vs. having to replace later is probably better for you….I’m sure that crazy lady wasn’t taking care of what she had!

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