At almost 33 years old, I have it and I have it hard. There is something deep within my entire being that whispers silently to me that I am meant to be a mom.
When you’re 21-ish it’s easy to say that you have a plan. By the time you’re 30 you will be happily married with 3 kids. You want to be young when you have them so you have the energy to chase them around. You don’t want to be pushing 60 when they’re starting college. You want 4 so you want to start early. Yet you don’t expect to try for a baby at 24 years old with no luck. You don’t expect to get divorced at 25 and have to start a new life. You don’t expect to end up dating a bunch of duds but enjoying being single well into 30. Then marrying your real husband for life at 32. Planning in theory is all fine and dandy but I’ve learned that life never happens the way you plan.
Even though I’ve only been married for a whopping 2 months, I’ve found my work-procrastinating has shifted from wedding blogs (although I’m still on Weddingbee 15 times a day) to baby blogs. I love reading about different people’s experiences. Today I found a link on OMGmom to this amazing, beautifully told story by Kelle Hampton (click here) and I had to read it in installments otherwise I would have been a blubbering mess at my desk. Try explaining that to an office full of men. I am in such awe at how strong Kelle was through the life-altering birth of her daughter and I can only pray that I, too would be so strong only 1 week later. She didn’t plan for her beautiful surprise, and she is enjoying the life she’s been given.
When I was married the first time, I thought wanted a baby. But looking back, I think I just wanted to be pregnant more than anything because deep down, subconsciously I knew I needed a change. Silly me tried to plan. My sister still jokes about the day after my first wedding when I actually turned to her and said, “um, wedding planning is over, what am I supposed to do now?” Oh narrow-minded me 9 years ago. Although I don’t remember saying that, it speaks volumes to me about where I was then vs. now regarding my mentality, my maturity, my happiness. I wanted the wedding but wasn’t thinking much about the marriage. I wanted to get pregnant but wasn’t fully thinking about what it would mean to have a family with my (ex)husband 20 years down the road. I’m beyond words when I think now of how grateful I am that it didn’t happen, although I was heartbroken back then and wondered what was wrong with me. Now I know it was all part of God’s plan for me. For us.
And if it ever happens for me, I hope I’ll be able to say that I was somewhat prepared for what was to come, though I know most of it will be me and baby learning from each other. I don’t ever like to be told that I’m doing something wrong when I’m simply doing something my way, and I know that I will struggle with unsolicited advice. To me, learning how to do things on my own is such a personal experience, even though it means mistakes will inevitably be made. You simply can’t plan for everything. I thank my mom regularly for her approach to raising us; she let us make mistakes and in turn we learned and grew from the consequences, rather than her trying to prevent us from making mistakes in the first place. I can only pray that I will be strong enough to do the same.
I’m excited for my turn but unlike 9 years ago, this time I’m not going to push it – if it happens, it happens. I’m enjoying everyday as it comes, not letting today pass me by while thinking about what may happen in the next year, or 5, or 20. Like I said, God knows the plan for me and Scott and I’m excited to see what the future holds for our current little Straus family of 2. Er, family of 4 if you count these two:
But God, if you can hear me, I’m ready 🙂