finding my smiles

I’m mad at myself right now because I haven’t been very sweet to Scott lately and I know PMS and the chaos that was my life this past weekend had a lot to do with that. I’m usually a happy-go-lucky, not a care in the world, may everyone be happy and merry type person which is why this whole sour mood, nit-picky behavior of mine is really making me feel guilty. And this is my vow that I’m making in front of all of you (ok, I’m guessing there are maybe all of 4 people who read my blog, hi mom!) that I will be the best wifey I can be to my love from here on out. He doesn’t deserve, nor did he choose to marry bitchy Jaime. Yes, she may pop up once in a while when the hormones are raging, but that doesn’t mean she needs to attack my most favorite person in the whole world.

Ok, maybe attack is a harsher word than she deserves, but a lot of the time guilt plays a big role in my mental state and guilt makes me feel like a big old meany. For example, I’m thinking about Scott still in the car right now on his new, much longer commute to the city while I’m here at my desk where I’ve been for almost an hour now, after my new, much shorter commute. And I wonder if maybe we should have looked for houses closer to his work. And now I’m feeling bad that we moved to Glenview. And I feel like it’s my fault for suggesting the town as an option in the first place so many months ago. But on the other hand, we’re closer to our families which makes me so happy, and we have such a great home that I already wouldn’t trade for any other.

Though it doesn’t feel like home yet.

Maybe that’s part of the problem, too. I’m trying to settle into my new surroundings and I am absolutely in love with how everything looks, but it doesn’t feel like my comfy place yet. I hate that limbo part after you’ve moved, where obviously you know it’s your space but haven’t figured out what that weird noise is that you hear in the morning when you’re making your coffee. And you have to stop and think for a second about which cabinet the mugs are in. And you can’t just reach around a door frame and flip a light switch without looking because it hasn’t yet become second nature. And you have to walk slowly down the stairs in the dark because you don’t know how many there are yet. And you haven’t figured out which is your favorite room to curl up in or you haven’t found a favorite spot on the new couch yet.

But it will come. I know it will.

The day will come when you subconciously notice that you haven’t heard the ice maker fill with water for a while and wonder if it’s broken. And it becomes second nature when you’re all groggy-eyed to grab a spoon out of the drawer next to the stove to stir sugar into your coffee. And the doggies are whimpering at the thunder and you 1.2.3. run around and flip every light on in the basement for them without thinking about it. And you run up the stairs like you’re light as air to grab something you almost forgot on your way out the door. And you get home after a long Friday and settle into your divot in the couch that you fit perfectly into, ready for a cozy weekend in with your love and your doggies (poops, I took the best picture of Scott and the dog last night but forgot my camera today! I promise I’ll post it tonight cause it’s just way too fitting to not go here).

The thought of all that is making me so happy and it’s seeming to help bitchy Jaime turn around and run. And for good measure just to make sure she’s going far far away, a few more things that made me happy over the last few days…

…my boss talking about that show I like. You know the one, it’s called “So You Think You Maybe Want Me to Dance?”

…and yesterday when he and I were talking about our eyes and he said, “I can see fine except for when I’m looking at stuff.”

…and on my way to work today when I started thinking about all of the leaves that are going to change colors on our huge trees and fall in the yard, and the piles we will rake up just to have the doggies run through and scatter them everywhere.

…and Fall in general, which will bring chilly breezes with light drizzles that’ll wet and rustle the leaves on the ground, and I’ll get to pull out my big nubby sweaters and extra long scarves and pair them with knee-high boots over my jeans.

…and trick-or-treaters wearing fairy wings and batman masks, ringing our doorbell holding out pumpkin baskets in hopes of scoring some candy. I think this is the one I’m most excited for because I so love Halloween and I haven’t had trick-or-treaters in the city ever. Not a one. I’ve even been known to buy candy and put it in a big bowl at the door hoping that I may get at least one, but I never ever have. Then I just end up eating the whole bowl. This gives me the warm fuzzies…

I think it’s safe to say that I’m officially mentally settled in, I just have to give the physical part a little more time. And again, it will come, I know it.

I just have to be patient…

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2 Comments

Filed under home, ridiculousness

2 responses to “finding my smiles

  1. Colleen

    It seems like I always take everything out on my poor fiance too. I kick myself for it. Oh, and just so you know I am a reader from Alberta, Canada. Found you on Wedding Bee.

    • Colleen, you rock 🙂 You actually got me and my mom chatting away about possible other readers in other countries which then prompted me to add a little flag stat thingy in the bottom left corner. Right now it only says 1 in the US which I’m pretty sure is me. Can’t wait for Canada to pop up on there!

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