i’ll take thighs over eyes anyday

Preface: Obviously when you’re pregnant, you’re going to gain weight. This weight is for good reason. I know that, I love that, I really truly completely puffy heart my baby bump, I pinky swear. Seriously, I molest it when I walk past a mirror. But sitting here 10 pounds over my max ever, the most I have ever weighed before in my life, still makes me say ‘day-um!’ once in a while, especially when considering the fact that I still have 5 months to go. I blame the 13 pounds I’ve gained in 16 weeks on the fact that I wasn’t sick at all so I pretty much have been eating like a horsey since I saw the word pregnant on a stick.

*sidenote – I’ve always sworn that things are always better on a stick….corndogs, chicken, cake balls, and words like pregnant*

So over the last 2-3 weeks, I’ve been trying to ignore the fact that my thighs are getting closer and closer at an alarming rate. The tummy? I really honestly enjoy not trying to suck it in after eating a big meal, it’s really a great perk to this whole pregnancy thing, and it’s much easier to wipe the crumbs off my shirt when they’re right there in my face. However, the thighs? Er, I think my thighs are trying to kiss each other and I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should actually care about the nutritional value of the food I’m eating every minute of the day. Seriously when I’m not sleeping, I’m eating. every. minute. of. the. day. Case in point, I have what Amy and I lovingly refer to as my feed bag. This thing weighs as much as my boobs do, and that’s a lot these days.

This is the tote I bring to work everyday that is full of whatever I’m able to fit into it each morning while running out the door. Hey, I never know what I’ll actually have a taste for so I just bring it all (and don’t worry, the cheese and dressing go in the fridge after I get to work). But considering the yoga pants dance is the most exercise I’ve gotten in months, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to at least think about how the chocolate I just cleansed my palette with after eating half a box of wheat thins may be affecting my figure. By the way, did you know wheat thins are only healthy if you eat one serving size and not 10? Huh. And while at this point I’m mostly belly, I started thinking that eating a little healthier may help me continue to gain the rest of my pregnancy weight where it is supposed to be, ’cause I think it’s safe to say that this baby is not in fact growing in my arse.

So here I was trying to be good, eating a huge salad – lettuce, green peppers, cucumbers, green beans. And I bit into a cherry tomato. And it squirted me in the eye. And I almost went blind and died.

So I comforted myself after my near death experience with 2 chocolate chip cookies. Ok, fine, I had 3. And I decided that maybe it’s a good thing if my thighs get a little bigger because they’re going to be walking the rest of my big expanding body around and I don’t want to snap a twiggy little stick leg in half while trying to get my exercise doing the yoga pants dance.

Huh, I guess it turns out that maybe, just maybe, not everything is better on a stick.

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4 Comments

Filed under pregnancy, pregnant, ridiculousness

4 responses to “i’ll take thighs over eyes anyday

  1. Jane

    Pancakes, sausage, anything you can fry, icecream, popsicles, candy, cookies, anything is better on a stick.

    Well, except a baby bump. I think it’s good you’re investing some chocolate and goodies into a pair of legs that can hold you up.

    If you broke in half and had to stop writing your blog, I think I would die. These posts are what make my evening go on without a hitch.

    You should eat some fried pickles dipped in cheese whiz– it’s what I ate for breakfast, and it’s so freaking awesome. The thought made the b/f wretch, though.

    • Wretch or sing to the angels? You know how I am if someone mentions any kind of food. I’ll be trying that sometime this weekend because it sounds divine.

  2. First, your bag of food is actually pretty well balanced! maybe some carrots to make it “healthier?”
    Second, I hate that just now in your life are you learning what it’s like to have your thighs touch. This happened me to increasingly in the last seven months. I hate that my marriage 15 are NOT due to any good reason, like yours. Poo. 🙂

  3. This is post is hilarious! You crack me up 🙂

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