everything I know about pregnancy…

I learned from….

I know I’ve mentioned once or twice that I am not a fan of the highly opinionated, often infuriating, non-source-quoting What to Expect When You’re Expecting, so I decided to compile a list of a few things I’ve learned from this highly educational website and their weekly emails I have yet to unsubscribe to for some reason. 

Top 5 things I’ve learned from What to Expect:

1) Men are stupid

From Week 8 of Pregnancy: “Yes, it’s that all too notorious pregnancy rite of passage: morning sickness — though the person who gave it such an inaccurate name was probably a man who never experienced it.”

  • Despite the fact that I fell madly in love with a man and find him extremely intelligent, giving, sweet, and beyond empathetic…really, only a stupid person who hasn’t physically experienced sickness associated with pregnancy would name the term for pregnancy nausea “morning sickness” in which case, it must have been a man. Wait….I personally never got sick…. eh, nevermind. Yep, must have been a man.

2) Nausea means you’re much less likely to miscarry kind of, but maybe not really

From Nausea During Pregnancy: “In fact, women who do experience some nausea during pregnancy are significantly less likely to miscarry than women who don’t experience any (though most women have healthy babies, whether or not they experience morning sickness).”

  • Ummm, wha? Let me get this straight….so when you’re pregnant you might get nauseous which will significantly lower your odds of miscarriage, though it probably won’t because if you’re not nauseous you’ll most likely still deliver a healthy baby because while nausea can kind of really significantly lower your odds of miscarriage, it probably actually won’t. Ok, maybe yes, but sort of no. 

3) I have an ass like a mack truck

From Week 36 of Pregnancy: “By 36 weeks pregnant, you’re definitely looking the part of a nearly full-term pregnant women (wide load, coming through), but are you walking the part?”

  • Eh hem, wide load what?? Ok, so when you’re pregnant, achy, uncomfortable, and wondering if you’ll ever be able to wear a bikini again, let alone your wedding rings that signify a lifelong committment with the person you love because your fingers have swollen past the point of painful, “wide load” is a term of endearment? Does that include making back-up beeping sounds under your breath every time I bend over? Just making sure.

4) Men are pigs with boundary issues

From For Dads Week 8: Breast Enlargement: “…always ask before you touch, and touch gently when you get the go-ahead.”

  • Yes, because my husband gropes my boobs regularly when I least expect it, doesn’t yours? It’s an unspoken understanding, a fun game of mutual respect we have….you grab my boobs when I’m not looking and I’ll punch your balls.

5) My husband thinks I’m fat and should stop telling me…especially now that I’m pregnant

From For Dads Week 16: Fat During Pregnancy: “Banish the word “fat” from your vocabulary starting now. If you absolutely need to reference your wife’s size, memorize this scientifically correct synonym: maternal storage tissue.”

  • “Maternal Storage Tissue”…because sometimes “beautiful” and “wide load” just don’t cut it.

“The What to Expect Online offers information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only.” Hmmmmkay.

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9 Comments

Filed under pregnancy, pregnant, ridiculousness

9 responses to “everything I know about pregnancy…

  1. Kelly

    This is awesome! I have totally had the same thoughts about the What to Expect emails. And the boobs! Why do they think that husbands just run up and grab them at any old time? Who does this? Where are these men? Is this a form of a handshake in some culture? I’ve read so many books talking about this whole, don’t just grab the boobs, thing. Is this that big of a problem? Maybe I’m the one who is wrong…
    thanks for the mid-day laugh 🙂

  2. Simona

    You. Are. Hilarious. I also hate “What to Expect…”.

    Oh, during my first pregnancy, a man at work actually did announce, “Wide load coming through” when I was walking down the hallway. I cried for days.

  3. Hah! Love this! I’ve never had kids so I don’t have much experience with “What to Expect” but from what I’ve heard, it’s pretty ridiculous!

  4. Jane

    With you on the boob thing. Especially when they’re sore. And anyone who uses ‘wide load’ and ‘maternal storage tissue’ should be slapped. This infuriated me. I’m going to have to spend the remainder of my week baking away my rage.

  5. You’re hilarious…but What to Expect makes me want to punch something. HARD. And I’m not even pregnant!

  6. You’re hilarious…but What to Expect makes me want to punch something. HARD. And I’m not even pregnant!

  7. hehe. i like the fat ass part.

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