rainbows and unicorns

It was recently brought to my attention that my blog tells a story of a life full of happiness and ease. That having this one baby seems so easy and all of my posts are full of rainbows and unicorns because that’s what I want to portray.

I don’t pretend to have a perfect little life, there are plenty of things in my life that I could live without or change. I have a growing pile of medical bills and no income at the moment. I have mold growing in my shower that I step around instead of scrub away. I get frustrated to the point of crying when the baby wakes up at 3am and poops and vomits all over me, herself and the bed and won’t go back to sleep until 6am. I have to go back to work in 4 weeks and only have 4 out of the 5 days of the week covered with childcare and I have no idea what I’m going to do. My dad is in a nursing home for physical therapy because he just got his hip replaced and I haven’t been able to visit him yet and I feel beyond guilty. I fight with Scott and end up feeling like a horrible person for yelling at the one person that chose to be with me everyday for the rest of his life. I have piles of dirty laundry on the floor and empty water bottles covering my nightstand and clothes on every surface of the baby’s room and leaves tracked all over downstairs and hair balls in the shower and a full dirty dishwasher that probably won’t get run today and a chipmunk nest under the hood of my car. But guess what?

I choose not to write about that stuff. I’m not in denial, I know those things are there, but I don’t let them define me. I choose not to focus on the things that go wrong. Or the things that make me grit my teeth and walk away. Or the people in my life that try to knock me down then make me feel like I did something wrong. I choose not to let those things define what my days are about. Those things won’t be important 5 years down the road. The things that I want to remember, that I choose to remember, are the things I choose to write about.

I have a beautiful little baby girl that smiles on purpose now, not just when she’s pooping or twitching in her sleep and I want to remember every grin.

I have a job with health insurance and paid time off and people I enjoy working with and I want to keep enjoying going to work everyday.

I have a house that I’ve made my own and I’m very proud of and I want to remember how much fun it was picking out paint colors and furniture and appliances.

I have a yard that I choose to enjoy laying down blankets on and watching the sun shine through the trees.

I have my mom 20 minutes away at almost any given moment whom I enjoy spending time with.

I have arm muscles that have never been stronger thanks to an 11 pound baby who doesn’t like to be put down and I choose to remember all the dancing we did yesterday in the kitchen when I thought my arms might fall off.

I have a wonderful family and 2 sweet puppies and a car that’ll last me the next 10 years and a house that my baby can grow up in and I can grow old in and I choose to write about and appreciate and remember all of these fantastic things I have around me.

Everyday I have options. I have the option to go shopping or walk through the forest preserve or drive up north to go visit a friend or sit on my couch in my pajamas with yesterday’s makeup smeared under my eyes or to sit on my $10 used Craigslist patio furniture and enjoy a beer in the warm summer air while the dogs chase mice under the shed.

I have the option to focus on the things that are wrong or bad or need to change in my life, or instead quietly take care of those things in the background while I focus on and write about all of the wonderful things that are right and good and make me happy, and I can choose to have those things define the memories of my days. I choose the latter. And so if doing that creates an image of days in my life full of rainbows and unicorns, so be it because this is me. While my flawed life is not now and will never be perfect, I really am truly beyond happy with all that it is. I choose the option to remember my life as good, and I will never apologize for that.