I’m heading to the doctor today for 2 reasons. First, I have a lump in my breast that has been there for a month that of course magically disappeared when I went in for my 6 week checkup. It’s getting bigger. It’s not normal. It could be a clogged duct, it could be a mass, I don’t know, I just know it has it’s own shadow now. Let’s hope it’s an easy fix.
Second, last night when I had a moment to escape the house alone, I kinda got a little inkling that I might just maybe be suffering from a bit of post-partum depression. Ok fine, it wasn’t just a feeling that lightly brushed over me, it was more like I got smacked across the back of the head with an aha moment when I found myself sitting in my car, doors locked, windows up, Blues Traveler’s Just Wait blaring out of my speakers, and I just plain crumpled into a sobbing weepy mess in the parking lot of JC Penney.
If ever you are feeling like you’re tired,
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill,
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you,
And your appetite for pain has drinken it’s fill…
Almost every night I’m angry or sad or I don’t know, not my usual happy, goofy, calm, peaceful self in any way shape or form and I don’t know why and I don’t like who I become. And Scott gets the brunt of it. I can have the absolute best day ever, but then a switch flips and I’m sad, or mad and I don’t know why. To be fair though, I’m not about to blame every negative feeling I have these days on hormones because I own my mistakes and my actions and how I choose to treat the people around me, and the reality is that Scott and I are both stressed. We’re both tired. We both feel unappreciated. And we both get angry.
I ask of you a very simple question…
Did you think for one minute that you were alone?
And is your suffering a privilege you share, only?
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home?
Our relationship is not our #1 priority anymore and neither one of us is getting the attention that we’re used to. The attention that we deserve. Because there’s a little one that needs that attention right now and it makes me sad that we don’t have all the time in the world anymore to focus on each other. It will get easier, I know that, I believe that whole-heartedly.
And it will come…
The words meant so much to me. It’s what I want to say to Scott. It’s what I want him to say to me.
If you think I’ve given up on you you’re crazy.
And if you think I don’t love, you well then you’re just wrong.
In time you might take to feeling better.
Time is the beauty of the road being long…
It was spiritual, too, the words. The words reminded me that there’s a higher power that has faith in me. I was given the gift of this beautiful baby and I’m doing a really great job taking care of her and I think I just needed to hear that. That someone was proud of me. I know they are, I just needed to hear it.
I know that now you feel no consolation,
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud,
I say this without fear of hesitation,
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud.
I’m gonna talk to the doctor today about how I’ve been feeling and the fact that I can break out in tears at any given moment for no particular reason and find out what I should be doing to get myself grounded again.
And it will come…
Because I don’t like being angry. I don’t like being sad. I don’t like holding it all in until I’m alone in a parking lot crying for no particular reason. I don’t want to cry for no reason at all. I tell myself everyday that I will be happy and laugh and enjoy every moment of everyday because it is a gift, all of it, yet I still go to bed unhappy most nights and I don’t know why.
If anything I might have said now has helped you,
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on,
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle,
And you appetite for pain may all but be gone…
Don’t get me wrong, life is wonderful. This is not meant to be a woe is me post at all. I love where I am. I love who I am. I love everything and everyone that make up my life. I don’t take the gifts of health and time and serenity for granted, I just feel unsettled and at odds with my own mind and it’s makes me sad that this baby is seeing a side of me that isn’t really me.
I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping,
Until that smile has once again returned to you face,
There’s no such thing as a failure who keeps trying,
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace…
So today, I will talk to my doctor about how I’ve been feeling and find out what I can do to get back to me. And until then, sing your heart out, John Popper.
And it will come.