just wait

I’m heading to the doctor today for 2 reasons. First, I have a lump in my breast that has been there for a month that of course magically disappeared when I went in for my 6 week checkup. It’s getting bigger. It’s not normal. It could be a clogged duct, it could be a mass, I don’t know, I just know it has it’s own shadow now. Let’s hope it’s an easy fix.

Second, last night when I had a moment to escape the house alone, I kinda got a little inkling that I might just maybe be suffering from a bit of post-partum depression. Ok fine, it wasn’t just a feeling that lightly brushed over me, it was more like I got smacked across the back of the head with an aha moment when I found myself sitting in my car, doors locked, windows up, Blues Traveler’s Just Wait blaring out of my speakers, and I just plain crumpled into a sobbing weepy mess in the parking lot of JC Penney.

press play…

If ever you are feeling like you’re tired,
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill,
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you,
And your appetite for pain has drinken it’s fill…

Almost every night I’m angry or sad or I don’t know, not my usual happy, goofy, calm, peaceful self in any way shape or form and I don’t know why and I don’t like who I become. And Scott gets the brunt of it. I can have the absolute best day ever, but then a switch flips and I’m sad, or mad and I don’t know why. To be fair though, I’m not about to blame every negative feeling I have these days on hormones because I own my mistakes and my actions and how I choose to treat the people around me, and the reality is that Scott and I are both stressed. We’re both tired. We both feel unappreciated. And we both get angry.

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you were alone?
And is your suffering a privilege you share, only?
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home?

Our relationship is not our #1 priority anymore and neither one of us is getting the attention that we’re used to. The attention that we deserve. Because there’s a little one that needs that attention right now and it makes me sad that we don’t have all the time in the world anymore to focus on each other. It will get easier, I know that, I believe that whole-heartedly.

Just wait,
Just wait,
Just wait,
And it will come

The words meant so much to me. It’s what I want to say to Scott. It’s what I want him to say to me.

If you think I’ve given up on you you’re crazy.
And if you think I don’t love, you well then you’re just wrong.
In time you might take to feeling better.
Time is the beauty of the road being long

It was spiritual, too, the words. The words reminded me that there’s a higher power that has faith in me. I was given the gift of this beautiful baby and I’m doing a really great job taking care of her and I think I just needed to hear that. That someone was proud of me. I know they are, I just needed to hear it.

I know that now you feel no consolation,
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud,
I say this without fear of hesitation,
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud.

I’m gonna talk to the doctor today about how I’ve been feeling and the fact that I can break out in tears at any given moment for no particular reason and find out what I should be doing to get myself grounded again.

Just wait,
Just wait,
Just wait,
And it will come…

Because I don’t like being angry. I don’t like being sad. I don’t like holding it all in until I’m alone in a parking lot crying for no particular reason. I don’t want to cry for no reason at all. I tell myself everyday that I will be happy and laugh and enjoy every moment of everyday because it is a gift, all of it, yet I still go to bed unhappy most nights and I don’t know why.

If anything I might have said now has helped you,
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on,
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle,
And you appetite for pain may all but be gone…

Don’t get me wrong, life is wonderful. This is not meant to be a woe is me post at all. I love where I am. I love who I am. I love everything and everyone that make up my life. I don’t take the gifts of health and time and serenity for granted, I just feel unsettled and at odds with my own mind and it’s makes me sad that this baby is seeing a side of me that isn’t really me.

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping,
Until that smile has once again returned to you face,
There’s no such thing as a failure who keeps trying,
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace…

So today, I will talk to my doctor about how I’ve been feeling and find out what I can do to get back to me. And until then, sing your heart out, John Popper.

Just wait,
Just wait,
Just wait,
And it will come.

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27 Comments

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27 responses to “just wait

  1. Hope everything goes okay at the doctor today, and all the sadness will pass. Hugs.

  2. Glad to know that you are going to the Dr for both things. Your feelings seem completely normal. I hope the Dr helps. Any chance you and Scott can go on a date night just the two of you? Might be a start. Hugs.

    • I actually took your advice and we went out to dinner tonight. Granted it was me, him and the baby but it was nice being with him somewhere other than our living room. So I thank you for that.

  3. Mandy

    The lump sounds scary, hope its nothing serious. Glad that you posted this, I know a lot of women go through these feelings. I am having a lot of health symptoms that are close, but I haven’t had a baby. Docs are figuring out what is wrong with me, and it can’t happen soon enough because the hubs wants his old wife back.
    ((HUGS)) hang in there

    • It’s hard being in a place where you know you’re not yourself and you want nothing more than to be who you know you’re meant to be, you just don’t know how to get back there. I know that made sense in my head and I’m guessing it did in yours, too. You hang in there, too.

  4. Sounds like the baby blues (a real thing). Definitely see your doc about this, but know you’re not alone. SO many of us moms have had it, or post-partum depression. It’s a huge change, and yeah, it can take a while to hit, but it doesn’t mean you’re taking anything for granted, it just means your body is full of copious amounts of crazy hormones and you just need a little help regulating.

    Big hugs, and I hope the lump is just a clogged duct.

  5. Simona

    Good for you for taking the initiative to bring up your feelings to your doctor. I hope s/he can help. I know how you feel about your relationship taking the back-burner. It’s hard to balance being a mother with being a wife.
    I hope the lump turns out to be nothing. Hang in there!

  6. amg

    Lots of hugs – hoping that things go well at the doctor, and that you’re feeling much better very soon.

  7. thanks for your honesty–you obviously are very self-aware and have great perspective, but sometimes things just get really hard when everyone is stretched thin. i’m glad you’re going to talk to your doctor about it, and i hope everything goes well.

  8. *Hugs* I’m sending this to my husband because this is EXACTLY how I feel, and still do from time to time at 7 months post partum. You aren’t alone at all! 🙂

  9. I hope everything goes well at your trip to the doctor, and I’m so glad you recognized the signs and will talk to him/her about post-partum depression! Sending you lots of hugs 🙂

  10. So sorry you’re going through a rough time right now, but I think you’re doing the brave and right thing to go and talk to your doctor about it. Hope this gets you on track to feel much better.

  11. So sorry girl. Hope your Dr appointment goes well. Lots if love and prayers. HUG!

  12. I hope your doctor appointment went well on both counts!

  13. -hugs- Feel better, Nachos.

  14. Colleen

    You inspire me, Jaime. Just know that you are not alone, and thank you for being so honest about your journey. I hope everything went well at the Dr. and you are back to feeling like yourself soon.

  15. Whether it is a bad case of the baby blues or PPD, I can completely understand how difficult and overwhelming life can be after a baby, and I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share. I hope that the doctor’s visit went well on both counts, and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  16. Colleen - Creen

    I hope everything is okay! I am dealing with a mass on my liver. Super scary, but cancer is ruled out. Lots of questions and appointments though.

    My sister had a baby one week ago and has had to deal with an infection she got (fever, etc.) and a diagnoses of PKU for her baby. All this in a week! While PKU sucks, we are so thankful it can be managed; just like your issues 🙂

  17. Hi … I’ve been reading your weekly updates since last October … I have looked forward to reading the experiences you share, ’cause you keep it real. I don’t know yet what it’s like to be pregnat, or a mom, so reading your posts has been a way for me to have a glimpse into that world … I liked how fun you made it all sound, while mentioning some of the unpleasant aspects in a comical way. Today, I was so touched by your post, I felt compelled to write a comment to let you know that I think you’re an interesting and wonderful person. Whatever changes your life is experiencing now, the good and difficult, I am wishing you the very best … peace and blessings!

  18. So sorry you’re having to deal with this, but I hope it gets better soon! Hugs!!

  19. So sorry to hear that you are having a hard time! I’m sure that you will feel better soon: it’s a hard adjustment to become a mother for the first time, and I think everyone struggles in their own way.

    I do think you should make your relationship with your husband a higher priority though. At least for me, doing this 1. makes me remember I am an adult with my own personality and feelings, not just someone’s mother and 2. helps us get along better, which means a happier household, happier baby, calmer parents and less stress (there is nothing more stressful than being engaged in bitter fighting with your spouse while already feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and unsure of yourself).

    It’s also the best gift you can give your daughter, given the results of divorce on children (generally, really dire: read Judith Wallerstein’s work). When I am angry at my husband, I remind myself that getting along with him is really a way to demonstrate my love for my darling baby, and suddenly I feel a lot less like screaming at him.

    Good luck, and remember you’re a great mom!

  20. Jennielee

    thank you for your honesty! I dont think a lot of women talk about the overwhelming emotions that are experienced after a baby comes. It’s great that you’ve recognized it and are asking for help!! Hope things go well at the doctor today.

  21. Brittany

    Please don’t ever stop blogging! I look forward to your posts – you are real and many women can benefit from your honesty. Kudos to you and here is to health and happiness!

  22. Sorry you’re struggling, dear. Almost everyone gets some degree of “baby blues,” and full-on postpartum depression affects as much as 15% of all mothers, yet it’s so rarely talked about. Something so common, but people end up feeling alone. I had the PPD and I had it bad, and I’m always here by email if you ever want to talk. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself, and good luck!

  23. K.K.

    This was such a beautiful, honest, eye opening post! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and emotions with us! I have been reading your blog for awhile and this is my first comment. You are an incredible writer, mother, wife, and motrivation to a lot of us!

    I just got married a little under a year ago, and your words touched me a lot.

    Thank you!

  24. Pingback: still waitin’ | rabit stew

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