Here I sit.
Officially the day of my sister’s wedding.
Did I mention I’m Maid of Honor?
I have to give a speech.
This is harder than I thought it would be.
I thought beer might help.
I just finshed beer #4.
The only thing flowing is my bladder.
My husband and baby are sleeping.
I should be at this point, too.
Yet my eyes are protruding from my head.
And I have the hiccups.
And I’m wide awake.
I need to give a speech in….
Have I mentioned I’m afraid of speaking to large crowds?
Office Jaime can tell you about blacking out and talking about poop and oatmeal.
Back to the topic at hand…
Do I try to be funny?
That only works when I…
All of my stories end in “I guess you had to be there”.
That won’t work.
Do I try to be sappy?
I’m good at sap.
Though I have a feeling I’m the only one that would cry.
That would be awkward.
On the mic.
Everyone else looking at me funny.
But I’m not funny.
I could Google “good wedding speeches”…
but I’d be afraid the best man would have the same speech as me.
And he would probably go first.
That would be really awkward.
Do I wing it?
I’ve heard myself winging it when leaving a voicemail.
I tend to repeat myself.
3 times in 14 different ways.
I just wanted to know if you had a parking permit for me.
I didn’t mean to ask you over and over.
And I just pulled a nipple out of the dog’s mouth.
I should specify…
It was my sister’s.
It came off a bottle.
Getting off subject here…