Here I sit.


Officially the day of my sister’s wedding.

Did I mention I’m Maid of Honor?

I have to give a speech.


This is harder than I thought it would be.

I thought beer might help.

I just finshed beer #4.

The only thing flowing is my bladder.

My husband and baby are sleeping.

I should be at this point, too.

Yet my eyes are protruding from my head.

And I have the hiccups.

And I’m wide awake.

I need to give a speech in….


18 hours?

Have I mentioned I’m afraid of speaking to large crowds?

Office Jaime can tell you about blacking out and talking about  poop and oatmeal.

Just sayin’.

Back to the topic at hand…


Do I try to be funny?

That only works when I…


All of my stories end in “I guess you had to be there”.

That won’t work.

Do I try to be sappy?

I’m good at sap.

Though I have a feeling I’m the only one that would cry.

That would be awkward.


On the mic.


Everyone else looking at me funny.

But I’m not funny.

I could Google “good wedding speeches”…

but I’d be afraid the best man would have the same speech as me.

And he would probably go first.

That would be really awkward.

Do I wing it?

I’ve heard myself winging it when leaving a voicemail.

I tend to repeat myself.

3 times in 14 different ways.

Sorry, Amy…

I just wanted to know if you had a parking permit for me.

I didn’t mean to ask you over and over.

And I just pulled a nipple out of the dog’s mouth.

I should specify…

It was my sister’s.


Bottle nipple.

It came off a bottle.

Getting off subject here…







Filed under wedding

10 responses to “crap.

  1. Your sister is going to love whatever you say – I promise! You can do it. 🙂

  2. Well, your blog is funny and charming, so maybe just try to talk like you write? Good luck and have fun at the wedding! Don’t let the speech ruin your enjoyment!!

  3. Abby

    That actually happened at my wedding- the best man (husband’s first cousin) gave a speech and ended up crying into the mic while the rest of us stared at him. He wasn’t drunk, he’s just very emotional.

    I am sure your speech will be both moving and funny and everyone will like it. Good Luck!

  4. Good luck!!!

    Maybe just tell a sweet story from your childhood about your sister, and transition to, something like “and then she grew up and met the best person in the world for her, and now….”

    My sister did something similar for the speech she gave at my wedding and it was lovely. I’m sure you’ll do great!

  5. I’m sure you will do a magnificent job! And don’t worry — if you’re still not sure what to say, you can just start by reading aloud this blog entry!

  6. I think you have your speech opener already!

  7. You’ll do amazing, Nachos. Don’t sweat it, and it’ll all come to you.

  8. haha you’re hilarious. which leads me to my next point, which is that your speech will be awesome because you’re funny and sweet and articulate.

  9. Sarah

    Hope it went well…I was supposed to follow the best man once…he spoke for about 10 minutes, with note cards, and long detailed emotional stories. I pretended to lose my voice. Good times.

  10. LOL @ the bottle nipple!

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