big mable

Skipper Steve, this one’s for you….

Once upon a time 2 days ago, in a magical land far away, there flowed a lake about which many tall tales were told – stories traveled throughout the land of ankle-biting seaweed monsters and testicle-eating shark fish, though the most talked about lake creature was a large sea beast known as Big Mable.

The stories had been passed down over generations, and in each story a few things remained the same: Mable was massive, she was very sneaky, and she loved to terrify anyone who came near her. The most commonly told story was that she’d float on the water, bobbing up and down unassumingly in the calm waters of Elizabeth Lake and when anyone would come close to her, she would swallow them whole, chew them up and spit them out high into the air, so high they would hit the clouds and never come back.

Many people had tried to unsuccessfully tame Big Mable. There was story after story of brave children who had tried to grab a hold of her reigns only to be bucked off like a bull-rider at a rodeo.

Oh that poor child…so young, so brave.

Others tried a softer approach by reasoning with Big Mable, to please just let everyone enjoy the peaceful lake, and she would smile at them, tell them she was sorry, that she’d behave and that they should climb on board for a nice calm ride. Those sad souls’ stories usually ended with, “and he drifted off to sea, never to be seen again….”

One warm summer day, a family of 3 arrived at the lake. Sure, the momma and daddy had heard stories about the elusive Big Mable who ruled the water, but they figured the stories were just fables and didn’t think twice. But the little girl, she knew better. She stayed back and searched the water for Big Mable from the safety of the shore…

…while her momma and daddy splashed and played in the water without a care in the world.

Never letting her momma and daddy out of sight, the little girl thought and thought about how to protect them should Big Mable decided to strike. She could try to fight off the beast with her scary seaweed treasure…

…though, perhaps that wouldn’t be strong enough. Oh, but wait….what was this?

Perhaps…

“Yes! The perfect weapon! Thank you, Jesus,” she cried.

With her new shovel in her pocket, she decided to climb into the water and do a little searching on her own while her parents were away. Perhaps she could find and slay Big Mable before anyone even knew they were in danger.

But Big Mable was smart. She knew the floating frog baby was in fact a hunter, so Mable kept far away. Then the family decided to go out to the middle of the lake on a boat and the little girl was very nervous.

When the boat started up, her momma was so excited and her daddy decided to get on the water skis and the little girl imagined him being gobbled up in one mouthful and she just couldn’t watch.

And when both her parents got in the water at the same time, she thought that surely they were goners.

And out of nowhere, just as the little girl had feared, Big Mable appeared and scooped up the momma and daddy from the water and carried them just out of reach of the boat.

The momma said “I’m not scured.”

The daddy said, “I think I just zheet my drawers over here.”

Everyone on the boat started crying, tears streamed down their faces and they squealed so loud that they startled Skipper Steve, and when he jumped he accidentally hit the gas.

Yeah, yeah, accidentally.

Suddenly the boat was speeding across the lake, pulling Big Mable all wobbly to and fro out of control behind it, and the momma and the daddy held on as tight as they could.

When the skipper saw that Big Mable was having trouble keeping control of herself, he came up with an idea to try to save the momma and the daddy.

Yeah, yeah, save them.

He grabbed a hold of the steering wheel and he twisted this way, he turned that way, he went around and around steering left and right, he got a crazed look in his eyes and yelled “YIPPEE!” doing everything in his power to get them off of Big Mable. But Big Mable just kept on bouncing all over, so the little girl took matters into her own hands, pulled out her weapon and did what she had to do.

She made it all the way to the other end of the rope and pop! Big Mable was slayed! The force launched the momma and daddy high up into the sky all the way out to the other side of the lake with a loud kerplunk!

As the momma scrambled to find her bathing suit bottoms that flew off when she hit the water, the skipper swung the boat around and got them all safely back on. But when they all looked back to see where Big Mable landed, they were shocked to see that she had vanished, never to be seen again.

Some say Big Mable was thrown up into the sky and never came back down, some think she sunk to the bottom of the lake and disintegrated into a million little pieces. Those that know better still visit the lake but always keep a cautious eye out over their shoulders believing Big Mable is still out there, waiting for her next victim. And to this day, that little girl is still haunted by the summer Big Mable struck. Once in a while you can catch the girl standing at the water’s edge, gazing intently far out on the horizon, and if you listen very carefully when the wind blows, you might even hear her whispering quietly…

“Someday I’ll get you, Big Mable. Someday…”

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8 Comments

Filed under ridiculousness

8 responses to “big mable

  1. Kelly Y

    LOL. Awesome! I grew up on a lake so this hit home!

  2. Theresa

    Oh my goodness, this was awesome!! 🙂 Love your little girl and your expert photoshop skills! She will crack up when she’s older at the image of her on the ropes.

  3. Creen - Colleen

    LOL this post is funny.

  4. Carol

    I was there…how did I miss this???? 🙂 You are hysterical!!

  5. OMGEEZERS that looked fun!!!!!

  6. So this is crazy. I’ve been following your blog for months…love the way you write and so eloquently capture what so many of us mammas feel. It wasn’t until seeing this post that I made a connection between one of your pictures (who I believe is JR) and your last name. If it is…I knew JR (and Scott) a long, long time ago. Crazy!

  7. Mandy

    You’re hilarious and I love you.

  8. I am new to your blog and I am so glad I found it! This is HILARIOUS!!

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