the B variable

It’s the moments of quiet when my thoughts speak loudest – lying in bed next to Summer as she falls asleep for her nap – and the nights at home when she is with her daddy – and that first morning moment when I become aware that I am awake, eyes still closed with 10 minutes left before the alarm will start singing to me. Some days I find myself having a hard time remembering the bad stuff over the last 4 years. Other days the saddest times echo through my brain reminding me why I’m here.

When I’m alone in the quiet times, it’s good, it’s fuel, it’s not loneliness, it’s aloneness. And aloneness is healing time for me. Being here with my thoughts, working through everything, taking the time to be happy and the time to cry, to live, to do the things I enjoy, to be still with myself, it’s necessary. And it’s hard. But it’s good.

I think in the quiet. I analyze. I want to fix things. And because I think mathematically, to me there is one answer for everything. There is one solution to every math problem. I once had a 2 hour argument with someone over the fact that if A=B and B=C, then A must equal C. He tried and tried to disprove it. He came up with the most ridiculous “equations” pertaining to everyday life situations, and no matter what, A always equaled C. Plain and simple if a square is a rectangle, and a rectangle is a shape, then a square is a shape. If my car is in Chicago, and Chicago is a city, then my car is in a city. If black is white, and white is blue, then black is blue…in the logical sense as opposed to the description of what we were taught, if black TRULY equaled white, and white TRULY equaled blue, then yes, black would TRULY equal blue. It makes total sense to me.

And this is why situations like falling in love, getting married and making a promise of ’till death do us part, yet finding myself 4 years later living 8 miles away from my husband in an apartment down the street from the house we bought together, is hard to logically comprehend. I can’t fix this. I can’t explain this. There is no rational reason my brain can come up with as to why I was so 100% sure that when I said I do, I meant it forever, yet forever in reality only lasted 4 years.

I do= forever

forever=till the end of time

I do≠4 years

It’s like a crooked frame on a wall to a person with Organizational OCD. It’s not logical. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it. I don’t get the why or the how of that equation. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. That. That I get. There is no why, and the how is a basic law of nature. There is no doubt, no uncertainty, no open-for-interpretation. It is what it says it is because it is. But when that logic fails you, when your marriage, your spouse, your happily ever after is no longer what you knew it to be with 100% conviction just 4 short years ago, it’s unnerving. It makes you distrustful of what you know to be true.

My dad is a wonderful man. He is a great father to me and my sisters and a good husband to my mom. This I know as fact. This is what I grew up knowing a man in a relationship to be. And this is what I have always applied to the men in my life because this was my math equation that was taught to me regarding men in relationships. What they present is what they are. And when that changes, when things show up that were not presented as part of the original equation, when an X, Y or Z is thrown in to the once perfect logical equation, I end up once again like the person with the crooked frame. I want to ignore the X, Y and Z with the little red nub of my pencil eraser. I want to fix it. I have to fix it. But when I can’t, I don’t know what to do.

So I find myself sitting and thinking a lot in the silence…trying to take all of the extra variables that were scribbled all messy on the board right in the middle of my logical little equation, others that were there all along that I didn’t see at first, and plug them into my equation to figure out how the answer ended up being L instead of C when I was so freaking sure it was C.

I’ll get it eventually. I will realize why this equation all makes sense once I can look back and see that this moment in my life (A) led me to wherever I end up (C). That without all this, I wouldn’t be where I am in 5 years. That in the ABC equation always, always A=C, the key is figuring out what B is.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “the B variable

  1. Katy

    Thank you for writing this. I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I are also separated after 4 years of marriage and we also have a little girl together. I’m still trying to wrap my head around “forever does not equal 4 years.” This is what I needed to see today, so, again, thank you.

  2. I’m sorry. Thinking of you, Jamie!! *hugs*

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