Author Archives: Jaime

getting ready for school

Summer: “I like puddles but rats don’t.”

Me: “Rats don’t like puddles?”

S: “No. And mommy you just said RET.”

Me: “No, I said rat.”

S: “Mommy I promise. You said ret.”

Me: “And I promise you, I didn’t say ret, I said rat.”

S: “No, you actually did.”

Me: “Maybe it sounded like ret but I swear, I really truly said rat. Why would I say ret?”

S: “You said it.”

Me: “No. I didn’t”

S: “YES YOU DID I HEARD YOU!”

Me: …

yes dear

Me: “What do you want to wear today?”

S: “A dress.”

<stands in front of closet for 273 minutes, picks out dress>

S: “Can you help me change?”

Me: “Sure.”

She lays on the ground and pretends she’s a baby.

I help take off her pj shirt and accidentally pull her hair with the neck hole

she cries hard

I grab a tissue

wipe tears

untangle shirt from hair

take off pants

undies

socks

take a big toe to the eye

why is it always the eye??

then a heel to the shin

that’s gonna bruise

wrestle flailing limbs to put:

undies

socks

leggings

and a dress

on this…

puppy

wipe beads of sweat from armpits because she’s finally dressed.

Finally.

start walking away to make coffee

Summer: “I changed my mind, I want to wear a skirt.”

oh dear god

Summer, brush your teeth please…

Summer, brush your teeth…

Brush your teeth…

Brush your teeth.

Why are you just standing there with your toothbrush not doing anything?

sloth2

Brush your teeth…

Summer, brush your teeth…

sloth3

Summer, brush your teeth…

Please brush your teeth…

Brush your teeth…

sloth4

Brush your teeth…

Summer: “Remember that one time you said ret?”

BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH…

<brushes teeth, hallelujah!>

Summer, please put your shoes on…

Put your shoes on…

Dear lord put your shoes on…

sloth

Me: “Would you like mini muffins or cheerios?”

Summer:

Me: “Mini muffins or cheerios?”

Summer:

Me: “Summer, I’m talking to you.”

Summer:

Me: “I know you can hear me.”

Summer:

Me: “Ok, you’re having cheerios.”

Summer: “NO I WANT MINI MUFFINS. You should have known that, mommy.”

Now if I could only find my sanity, I know I put it here somewhere… Oh yeah! There it is.

dance

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

things and stuff

I made a pact with someone the other day that I would magically create a few extra hours in the universe to write a post and publish it by today because I really do love writing here. And although life gets in the way sometimes, actually having someone hold me accountable worked. So here goes, it’s story-catch up time.

When I was little I used to get strep throat pretty frequently, but not enough to have anyone with an MD behind their name offer to rip my tonsils out of me like they had for my sister. Sidenote – the doctor let my sister keep her tonsils.

In a jar.

She brought them to school.

For “science”.

She became the most popular girl in school.

um no

Love you, Jules.

Anywho, about 3 weeks ago I woke up swallowing razor blades with full body chills and a gland the size of a planet coming out of my neck. Strep. The doctor confirmed it, gave me a z-pack and sent me on my way. And 2 days after I had finished the antibiotics I was still in as much pain as I was on day 1 so I went back. The doc was stumped and honestly considered testing me for…wait for it…the fucking mumps. Dr. Google was about to get a whole lotta questions about that one until my doc reconsidered because the odds were so slim. So she gave me a second script for a stronger antibiotic for 10 days. By day 7 I could almost swallow normal but my tonsil still looked cringeworthy. By day 10 I didn’t have to make Summer’s winky face every time I swallowed anymore…

Screen Shot 2017-03-31 at 3.39.36 PM

…but my damn tonsil looked like swiss cheese. Fast forward to today – I looked at my throat and MY. TONSIL. IS. GONE. Like gone gone. I think it fought so hard to ward off and kill the strep that it fought till the death and then died itself the next day. Dr. Google tells me it happens. So thanks doctors who wouldn’t take my tonsils out as a kid, they’re apparently doing the job for you.

I’ve started the house hunting process, and for anyone here who was with me back in 2010 you know that house hunting with me can be quite the adventure <cough>crazy lady<cough>. I’ve seen a few places that were ok but with my list of must haves, I haven’t found my dream home yet and my amazing real estate agent won’t let me settle which I love. I did find a gorgeous town home a few weeks back but it went under contract the day before I was going to see it and I’ve been summoning my magic voodoo powers to make their financing fall through ever since. I know dream home 2.0 is definitely out there somewhere, I just don’t think it’s on the market yet because the current owners are super busy getting it picture perfect pretty for me. I can be patient.

Summer lost her first tooth recently and I had a feeling it was coming out the weekend that it did, mainly because she kept doing this thing with her tooth below that she knew freaked me the fuck out and made me do that ‘flail your hands up and down while dancing like you have the pee shivers’ move. I’m weird about teeth – I get the heebie jeebies at the thought of anything cotton rubbing against them – gauze, paper towels, ew. And don’t get me started on teeth rubbing together, or making that awful squeak that happens when chewing certain gum, and I can’t even look at this picture as I insert it here.

tooth

 

Blerg. But now that her dangling mouth nugget is finally in the tooth fairy’s hands, my baby looks like a cute little punkin. She likes to stick things in the gap pretending she has an edible cheetos or french fry tooth which I can stomach WAY better than that picture. 5 years old is punny.

 

What else… what else… OkCupid is what else. I joined a few years ago and had a HORRIBLE first online date where the guy downed 2 bottles of wine to my half of a glass. He proceeded to tell me he was pleasantly surprised I wasn’t overweight. He told me he wanted to buy me a house with his student loans because can you believe it his law school just gives him $30,000 a year to do whatever he wants with (he is clearly in for a rude awakening when he finds out how student loans actually work). He told me that he wanted to make me pregnant. Then he drunkenly slid off his chair under the table and somehow walked himself to the bathroom. He was gone for 20 minutes while I texted my friend, taking guesses at what he was doing which was by far the most fun part of the night. I could go on about the ridiculousness of that evening but let’s just say he set the bar low, my friends. And I actually stayed on OkCupid because honestly, it could ONLY get better from there. Over the last few years I’ve disabled my account, reenabled, disabled, rinse and repeat, and I’ve met a handful of people on there, but none that worked out obviously. And with OkCupid helping me discover the perfect life motto that I now keep securely in my back pocket – “high standards, low expectations” – I’m back on. Reenabled and getting lots of messages from boys who could be my children and guys who never show their teeth but have a fondness for taking selfies in their cars. It’s uh, entertaining 🙂

More to catch up on, but it’s time to get my lovey from school. May your weekend be full of doing stuff you can tell good stories about later.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

fun in photos

Face swap with my brother-in-law… proof that if I was born a guy I would have lived a long lonely life with 18 cats and a drinking problem…

img_0425

img_8598

Summer in the car: Mommy, can I take my boots off?

Me: Sure.

Summer: Mommy, can I take my socks off?

Me: no, leave those on.

Summer: ok…

img_0774

img_8309

Once upon a time 2 months ago, you could go outside without a coat, earmuffs, hat, gloves, scarf, boots, 3 pairs of socks, long underwear and snow pants and your nips wouldn’t instantly cut holes in your shirt and break off. Man, I miss those days…

img_8966

img_6880

My nieces and I are on sale on eBay, better hurry there are only 6 of us left…

mattress

img_7231

Summer spends Christmas day with her dad so I spend the afternoon with my friend upstairs. This year I had champagne. I never have champagne. I realized that champagne makes me all warm and fuzzy because when I came back downstairs slightly buzzed and I looked at the reindeer on my fridge, I got all sappy, teared up and thought “holy bejebus, my child is a fucking artistic genius”…

img_0809

img_8269

Everyday is a fairy tale with a dress like this…

img_8694

img_7130

This past summer my dad and I took a sushi making class. And if a nationwide shortage of crabs is announced soon, we, erm, had nothing to do with it…

img_8718

img_8755

Ah to be young and bendy. If I tried this my pelvis would fall off…

img_8899

img_8901

Saleswoman at the mattress store: Do you like this one? Let me see if I can get you a lower price. Oh and we just got in a beautiful sleigh bed that would go great with it! Do you want me to…

Me: Oh no, that’s ok, we’re not actually buying a mattress today, just seeing if this one can fold us completely in half…

img_9103

img_7155

Check out the woman behind us (if I attempted that I’d end up kissing the ice, with my phone and knee caps shattering into a million pieces)…

img_9305

These baby blues shine brighter than the sparkliest sapphires…

img_7217

Summer on the way out of the library: “Wait, mommy can you take a picture?”

Me: “Haha, sure.”

Summer: “Can you send that to me?”

Teenager in a 5 year old body I tells ya…

img_9359

img_6956

Blowing giant soap bubbles off my hand – it’s the only party trick I know but it’s always a hit with…well, everyone. No one doesn’t like bubbles…

img_9360

img_9362

Happy Wednesday, now go have some fun 🙂

img_9310

1 Comment

Filed under Kids, life, Love, Parenting

buh bye 2016

This year had its ups and downs complete with some really great highs and some really shitty lows, but that’s normal I suppose. What better way to say adios to 2016 than a little video recap of the year?

This is one of Summer’s favorite songs and I always make it a point to turn down the volume or sing LAAAAAAAAAA! at the top of my lungs at the one bad word. Though I apparently haven’t been loud enough because one day listening to it in the car she said to me, “mommy it’s ok, I know what they say and I promise I’ll never say the bad word, ‘ash horns.'” Such a good girl 🙂

To view directly on YouTube, click here.

2 Comments

Filed under home, Kids, life, Love

invasion of the orbeez

img_0789_srgb

Summer got to celebrate Christmas 5 times this year which of course included 5 times the family, friends, and gifts at our home, my parents’ house, Scott’s place, his mom’s house and his brother’s house. I KNOW. Deprived.

We had a blast at my parents’ on Christmas Eve until 8:30pm when my baby hit the inconsolable point of no return – my cue for us to head home. When we left, my plan was to keep her awake for the 15 minute car ride home because after 8pm all the good parking spots in my lot are taken. And I knew if she fell asleep in the car I’d end up carrying the dead weight of a 38 pound child plus a purse, a backpack, leftovers, gifts, and my sanity across a football field. So we climbed in the car. I convinced her to sing Christmas songs with me to keep her awake. I put the car in reverse. “Oh the weather outside is fright”… bam. Sleeping.

14 minutes later we arrived home, and with the strength of 1000 gorillas I got everyone and everything inside by piling 2 king sized pillows, 2 purses, peppermint bark, 1000 legos, 50,000 shopkins and a 5-year-old on my back like a scrap metal truck and unlocking the door with my toes while sweat dripped from my pits.

Santa was good to my baby this year. He had stuffed everything she asked him for into her stocking and placed it under the tree while she slept. And when she woke up Christmas morning and ripped the paper off her gifts with fervor, little hearts in her eyes sparkled when she laid them upon her first ever bag of orbeez. If you are unfamiliar with orbeez, take a gander at YouTube for Kids and you’ll see the 239,738,438 videos Summer has adoringly watched of kids playing with them.

screen-shot-2016-12-28-at-9-42-56-am

The 8oz bag was the size of my hand. Just add water and they’ll bloom into little jelly balls from Heaven. I suggested we use maybe half the bag to save some for a later date but she insisted we put them all in. Her present, her Christmas, her choice. At first I thought the pasta pot would be big enough, but then decided we should maybe use a punch bowl just in case. The package said something about blah blah 1 tsp equals blah 1 quart when hydrated blah blah. A quart… a quart is like one of those little cartons of milk you get in grade school with lunch right? Or is it a half gallon… meh, punch bowl would be safe.

For all of 8 minutes.

The beads started expanding more than I thought they would and threatened to spill over the top of the punch bowl so I grabbed the pasta pot and transferred a bunch in. Then I had to grab a big glass bowl and do the same. Then a few oversized cups. My pots and pans. Some cereal bowls. The crock pot.

img_0829

img_0845img_0846

I took another look at the bag and it said something about 20,000 marble sized jelly beads. TWENTY THOUSAND MARBLES people. I had missed that part but…but…you know, orbeez!

img_0832img_0827img_0826

They’re actually kind of fun to play with but now that Summer has been at her dad’s for 2 days I’ve been staring at 20,000 gel balls that have taken over my dining room and I don’t know what the fuck to do with them. I thought putting a bunch in the colander would dry them out and maybe make them shrink back down to beads but 2 days later and…

img_0844

That would have been too easy. This morning however, I discovered that Summer had put 1 orbee in a container by itself and it has since shrunk back down to a bead! So now I’m off to go place 20,000 jelly balls in 20,000 separate spaces.

img_0847

Talk to you all next Christmas.

1 Comment

Filed under Christmas

princess

img_0284

Back in 2004, I made the incredibly intelligent post-college grad decision to use my gift of persuasion and push my high school sweetheart into marriage. I then of course had to follow up my adulting by checking things off my list of grandiose holly-homemaker life goals – husband, check! house, check! a dog named Princess, check! Ah the optimistic dreams of my early 20’s, my life was so complete! Only…

The husband… I, um, about that, <cringey face> the husband turned out to be a decision I maybe might have should have maybe thought through a little longer. We barely lasted a year and in the best Forrest Gumpiest voice I can muster, that’s all I have to say about that.

The house… the house was a tiny ranch that had this really high-tech central air system that actually cleaned my carpets for me by leaking pools of water under the furnace room wall into the guest bedroom. The plumbing did this really cool thing where it would generously show me the poo water in my pipes by bubbling it up through the drain in the bathtub if I flushed the toilet, ran a sink and had the washing machine going at the same time. And the neighbors were ah-mazing creatures who would eat lunch in their driveways on tv trays in their underwear while hosting garage sales. I’m not even kidding a little. The day I was bought out of the house the neighbors heard a faint “sayonaraaaaaaaa!!!!!” as I peeled down the street for the last time with $12k in my hand.

And then there’s the dog…

img_0609

She’s the absolute best thing to come from my poor decision making skills from a decade and a half ago.

This little being has been with me through 7 moves, a number of career changes, countless relationships and becoming a momma. If this dog could talk she could tell you novels of my greatest love stories and my worst loves lost, of what it feels like to comfort me when I sob and the elation felt while sharing with me the moments of pure joy, though I know my deepest secrets are safe with her. For the last almost 15 years, she has been the most loyal protector I could have ever wanted by my side. And in the last year or so, her age has started to show. Most people who meet her would never guess she’s almost 15, but having had her in my life since I was 24, I see it. Her eyes are foggy and when she jumps on the couch or the bed she misses the first attempt, sometimes by a good foot. She doesn’t hear much anymore though I can startle her out of sleep with a loud sneeze. She would rather starve than eat dog food. At night she gets into such a deep sleep and frequently wakes up in a puddle of pee. Not mine, I promise. And when she breathes while laying down, it sounds like she’s wheezing. My old puppy, she is slowing down.

img_0716

And until she tells me it’s time, that she’s done, that she is in pain or that her life is not hers anymore, with a hole in my heart I will help her with that. “But it’s not my time yet!” she tells me with her big brown eyes and wagging tail. And so we make it work.

img_0150

So she won’t have to struggle, I scoop her little warm body up and place her on the couch when she needs me. I cook her dinner every night complete with ground beef, chicken or turkey mixed with scrambled eggs, cheese and rice. I’ve learned the hard way that tuna doesn’t sit well with her and if I try to sneak in peas she will strategically pick them off her plate and place them on the floor in a pattern that spells out “no thank you”. We sleep with a waterproof shower curtain atop the comforter because no amount of pee dribbles will ever deny her a warm spot in the bed. She is in the early stages of kidney disease that we are stopping in its tracks with a daily supplement along with a dose of Pepcid to ease tummy upset. And the wheezing is from an enlarged liver pressing on her diaphragm when she lays down, though she’s gotten pretty good at finding comfortable sleeping positions that momentarily make my heart stop.

img_0454

My girl is old in body but still a puppy at heart. And after 15 years of her selflessly giving me the greatest love, loyalty and protection such a little being could give, I won’t ever hesitate to return the favor of making sure she’s happy and safe. Today that means occasionally hand feeding her when she wants help, giving her extra understanding and I love you’s when her body, eye sight or hearing momentarily fails her, and lightly touching her back to let her know when I’m standing right next to her while she’s desperately searching for me around the corner. We’ll see what tomorrow brings and roll with it.

img_0151

My Princess, I couldn’t have asked for a better doggie. She is mine and I am hers.

2 Comments

Filed under doggies, life, Love, Pets

the anatomy of a hallmark movie

Since it appears the mailman keeps losing my invitations to all of the swanky galas and holiday soirees that the fancypants people of the world are inviting me to, I’ve been filling my free time with emptying the dishwasher, filling the dishwasher, vacuuming, taking apart the smoking vacuum to cut a small hamster made of mine and Summer’s hair off the brush, and declaring war on the ants trying to find shelter from the winter tundra outside by setting up camp under my kitchen cabinets.

Life is glamorous, my friends.

Lately though, my favorite freetime moments have been spent watching marathons of Hallmark Christmas movies. Despite the fact that the bones behind every single Hallmark movie are exactly the same, kind of like watching Groundhog Day over and over just with different actors each time…

girl meets boy

girl hates boy

major crisis happens

boy helps girl fix it

girl and boy fall in love

The end.

…they are one of my beloved guilty pleasures. I anxiously await the moment I have a free hour or two to curl up under a blanket with the doggies sleeping at my feet and a dark living room, save for the orangey glow radiating from my Christmas tree. And like gravy on bread, I’ll sit and soak up some movie called “A Pig Whisperer’s Christmas Miracle” or “Santa, I Want a Daddy” with Candace Cameron or Lacey WhatsHerName or Winnie Cooper usually playing an advertising executive or a tv reporter or, well… a pig whisperer. Regardless of the fact that I already know exactly how it’ll end before the opening credits even start, I still love starting a new one with the opening scene involving a Christmas melody and a winter wonderland with twinkling lights. I think it’s because, as my sister Julie will so eloquently tell you, I love love.

screen-shot-2016-12-14-at-11-40-02-am

And you, DJ Tanner. Call me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized