this is why I can’t have nice things



Hazel is my playful, energetic 9-year-old ball of fur with big brown eyes and a cute little underbite. At night, Hazel likes to either shimmy her way under the blanket and sleep down by my feet, or lay on top of the blanket and chew 3,234,583 little holes in it which drives me absolutely nuts. I have no idea why she does it but she pretty much always has; it’s the reason I always have a needle and teal thread on hand so my bed doesn’t resemble swiss cheese.

So the other night around 3am, I woke up to her wriggling around under the blanket by my feet. I gave her a little nudge which usually quiets her down or gets her to move over, only this time she kept wriggling. Wouldn’t move over. Wriggling. Wriggling. It was not what I needed at 3am and I could feel my blood pressure start to rise. So I sat up, reached under the blanket to bring her up so I could snuggle with her, and……yeah. This is why she wasn’t budging.



The dog chewed a hole in the blanket, stuck her head through it and got stuck.

And this is why I can’t have nice things.


Filed under doggies, Funny, life, Pets, ridiculousness

how not to fish

Friday night, I packed up myself and the doggies and we hit the road with my friend to a lake house in Wisconsin. We drove through a beautiful sunset and a torrential downpour in a span of an hour and a half but we made it in one piece.


Thanks to a safe arrival and a little Redbox, that night, Paul Blart made an appearance on the tv as I watched it through the back of my eyelids and snored on the couch.

The next day was beautiful. Hot, sunny, big white puffy clouds in the sky, the perfect kind of day to do some wave running and paddle boating. So we hit the water, I got a fun 30mph splashy tour of the lakes, and when we got back to land we decided to take the paddle boat out to a pier to fish.

Even though I told him there was no way I was catching anything but algae fish like I always do, he guaranteed me that I would catch a real live fish this time. I had my doubts. But I tried. I cast, I waited, I saw the bobber move, I pulled, I lost it. I tried again, and of course I reeled in an algae fish. I cast again, but then, wait, was that a nibble? I pulled back, quick little movements, and I did it! I finally reeled in my first fish. I made my friend take it off the hook, a little blue gill, and he threw it back in the water. I was proud of myself after years of fishing and catching nothing but seaweed, I finally got my hook in a real live fish.

We climbed back into the paddleboat and started slowly making our way back to shore. It was absolutely beautiful out on the water just floating along slowly as our legs twirled in circles like riding a water bicycle. We decided to cast our lines a few more times from the paddleboat in the hopes of catching something worth cooking up for dinner. We threw light casts as we were 2 feet away from each other and then all of a sudden something slapped me hard in the back of my arm. I looked down…AND THERE WAS A FISHING LURE STUCK TO ME. A little plastic fish with 2 treble hooks was lodged in my skin.

My friend had hooked me.



Neither one of us could believe it and I would have absolutley panicked if I had been the hooker, but as the hookee I stayed calm as we paddled back to shore. As we floated past the neighbors out on their pier, he yelled, “heeeeeeeey there, is anyone a doctor?”

“No, but she’s a nurse!” one of them yelled back as they scrambled to meet us at the dock.

We were met by 3 neighbors, one who had run in to grab a pair of rusty wire cutters with good intentions.

“Can I do anything?” another one asked.

“Alcohol,” my friend said.

“All we have is vodka, what would you like?” she asked me.


In the meantime, they had managed to cut the plastic fish off of me but I was left with 2 hooks lodged in the back of my arm and a cup full of vodka and ice that went down a little too smoothly in the moment of crisis. I told them to yank them out, YANK THEM, I didn’t want them in me.

“We might have to push them through the other way, they have barbs,” my friend said.

“I don’t care, I have a high tolerance for pain, I’ve had piercings and a freakin baby, I can take 2 hooks being pulled out of me, JUST YANK THEM OUT, JUST DO IT,” I said.

They tried to cut the extra hooks off so there would just be one at each site that they could push through but they pinched skin with the rusty wire cutters which made me flinch, the first real pain I felt, and as soon as I said “ow” they stopped.

I told them again to just pull and as the nurse half-ass yanked for fear of hurting me, the other neighbor standing in front of me asked if I needed something to bite on for the pain. He offered his fuzzy freckly arm and told me to just bite it, “bite my arm!” and he offered it to me as a sacrifice of sympathy. I declined. Because as weird as it was to have 2 people pulling hooks out of my arm, the thought of biting down on a stranger’s forearm like a bullet seemed even weirder and I probably would have drawn blood.

As they tried to pull, I could feel one of them was right at the surface but the other one, it just wasn’t budging and they knew it, too.

“Oh, I have an idea!” one of them said. “Do we have any toothpicks? We could stick the toothpick in the hole, get it under the skin and push the skin up and over the barb and….”

“Take me to the ER,” I said. It was getting a little too experimental-doctor-like for me, plus I had a hunch none of them had a tetanus shot in their back pockets.

Honestly, it still did not hurt at that point. Maybe I was in shock. Maybe fish hooks really don’t hurt. Maybe the back of the arm is a much better spot to get hooked than say the face, or neck, or chest or back. Who knows. All I know is that I was able to slip a shirt on over my bathing suit…


caught in the wild – the elusive Jaime fish

…take a car ride to the ER, calmly check in with the front desk, and then get numbed up by the doc. He grabbed a pair of pliers (shiny and sterile thank god), and he yanked those suckers out. A tetanus shot and an antibiotics prescription later, we were out of there.


6 days later I’m happy to report that I have 2 little bruises and the worst part was the recovery from the tetanus shot because those suckers hurt like a mother fucker for days. At least I’m covered for the next 10 years. Or you know, until the next time I’m out on a boat, get hooked by a fishing lure, find myself in the ER and can’t remember when my last tetanus shot was.

Karma. I put a hook in a fish and I got hooked back. And that, my friends, is how not to fish.


Filed under craziness, Funny, life, ridiculousness, Travel


Now that I’m back in writing mode, I have so much to catch up on – I could tell you about my Portland friend staying with me for a weekend in April when we roadtripped from here down to Indiana then all the way up to Wisconsin just so she could say she’s been to 3 midwest states, or I could tell you about how I finally bit the bullet and got botox in my armpits, I could write novels about the FABULOUS <cough> life of online dating, or I could tell you about preschool face painting day when I picked up Summer and realized that her teacher has the artistic abilities of a blind monkey.

But instead, today I will tell you the tale of Patrik.

Patrik is a sweet older Croatian man with a thick accent, soft spoken, probably early 60’s, married with grown children. He has kind eyes that crinkle in the corners when he smiles his warm smile at you, a face that any grandchild would love. To give you a visual, just picture this guy, only 10 years younger:

Patrik is head of maintenance here at the apartment complex and has been working here for the last 30 something years. At one point he and his family actually lived in my exact apartment years ago where he grew a beautiful lush garden, which I’m proud to say I am meticulously maintaining. Yep, tomatoes should be coming up any day now…


Patrik has always been super friendly, chatty with a bit of a nervous stutter, and this one time, at band camp, he went out of his way to replace the rusty bolts off of my car that my rear license plate was dangling from with shiny new ones. Then he did my front plate for good measure. He gives me his “friendly discount” on my carpet cleaning and told me not to worry about the 8 holes I drilled (fine, 13 because tape measurer what?) in the bottom of my cabinet to hang my wine glass racks even though it clearly states in the lease “DO NOT PUT ANY HOLES IN KITCHEN CABINETRY”. Psh. He said he’ll take care of it for me when I move out. What a good person to befriend, right?

So one random morning about 4 months ago, Patrik knocks on my door and hands me a paper bag and says, “these are for you!” Inside was a bottle of his homemade wine, a plate of his homemade prosciutto and pork belly, a few cheese sticks, a jar of hot peppers and a sleeve of bacon flavored ritz crackers. Fuck yes, I would have been happy with just the bacon ritz as a Christmas present. He said in the 30 years he’s worked here he has never brought any of his homemade goodies to someone until now, then he left. It was very sweet.

Seriously, put that red flag down, you’re distracting me from story telling time.

So I stuck everything in the fridge to snack on later and went back to whatever it was I was doing. A few hours later I got a knock on my door. Patrik. Apparently when he brought the food and wine, he was planning on sharing it with me which made me really happy that I didn’t smell like pig meat and bacon ritz while wiping the last remaining crumbs off my face as I opened the door, as I had not gotten this memo. So I let him in and for the next half hour we stood in my kitchen snacking on mouth watering prosciutto and sipping the sweetest red wine I’ve ever had while sharing stories about work and family and hobbies.

He thanked me for letting him share his treats with me, smiled his sweet grandpa smile and then he left.

About 3 weeks later, same thing. He came by in the morning, dropped off a bag full of deliciousness, then came back a few hours later where we stood in my kitchen for a half hour and chatted away about life – I showed him the quilt I’m making and he showed me how he gets the top wrapper onto his wine bottles with boiling water – it was my very own kind of convoluted Tuesdays with Morrie. It wasn’t a bad deal – I kept an old man company and he brought me meat.

Stop it.

Purely innocent, the only difference this time was that as he was leaving he gave me a hug. Mkay, I’m a hugger, so yeah no big deal.

3 weeks after that, same thing. Meat in bag, company in kitchen, talks about life. This time when he left he gave me a hug. And a kiss on the cheek. Derp.

3 weeks later, meat, convo, the usual. But. This time he went for the hug. I hugged back. He went for the cheek kiss. Meh. Then as I was backing up out of the er, ew embrace? He. Leaned. In. For. A. Mouth. Kiss. And I leaned waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back.

“No,” I said.

“No?” Patrik asked.

“Um, NO.”

And as he stepped away embarrassed, I shit you not, his old man hand grazed my side-boob and he left all red-faced with his tail between his legs.

For the rest of the week my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night was, “Stupid, stupid Patrik.” I still shake my head every time I see him which is almost daily since I work from home and, you know, awkwardly he works here, too. But really. It is kinda sad that a thirty something year old woman can’t befriend a little old man without him thinking he’s gonna get some because of a little pork (stop it). Needless to say, Patrik has asked numerous times since then when I might be free again for “the good stuff”. You can keep your good stuff, you dirty dirty meat creeper.

So sad that I will never be able to hear the word prosciutto again without thinking about side-boob. And now you won’t either, muah ah ah.


Filed under craziness, Funny, home, life, ridiculousness


Last night, I had the wind knocked out of me with one little word.


Summer was missing her daddy as he is out of town this week so I set up facetime for them. And as soon as the call connected, Scott and his girlfriend’s faces appeared on the screen of my phone. All three of their faces lit up at the same time seeing each other and they asked all the usual “how was your day?” questions and the “are you having so much fun with mommy?” questions that usually start out a facetime talk. I walked away and started cleaning the kitchen, leaving them alone to chat because while I have no ill feelings towards his girlfriend, let’s be honest – I don’t need to see her face in my living room chatting away with my child. It was their conversation to have, not mine.

A few minutes later I walked back into the living room to see Summer twirling the phone in circles and being goofy, so I sat down with her and held the phone so they could actually see Summer and not the rotating ceiling.

And that’s when it happened.

Summer grabbed the phone, and yelled, “daddy!” and kissed him on the screen.

Then she yelled, “mommy!” and kissed the other face on the screen.



The two of them quickly responded with, “Summer, we talked about this…” And they changed the subject.

Cough, um, so it’s happened before. My child referred to this 27-year-old woman dating my 41-year-old ex-husband who Summer has known all of 6 months as “mommy”.

Tingly prickles washed up the front of my neck and into my cheeks. And they all carried on chatting away about nothing and everything while I sat frozen in my little “did that just really fucking happen?” bubble.

I didn’t say a word about it while they were on the phone.

I’m not mad at anyone for it – Summer is too little to understand the hurt that it caused, and the 2 faces on the screen didn’t encourage it, though I could have maybe, just maybe been given a heads up about it when it first started happening so I wouldn’t have been blindsided by the knife yesterday.

Obviously them just telling her not to call the girlfriend mommy wasn’t enough. That would never be enough. Not for Summer, not for me. So at bedtime we snuggled up close and had a little chat – I told her that it made momma sad to hear my baby call someone else mommy. I told her that I was the one who made her, who grew her, who had her in my tummy, whose heart is half hers, and who has taken care of her and loved her with my whole self since the very first day she was alive. And that is what makes me her mommy and no one else.

In her sweet little 4-year-old voice she said, “mommy, I’m sorry. I feel really bad and I promise I won’t ever call anyone else mommy again but you.” She got it. And my heart filled right back up as I listened to her breathing get heavy while she drifted off to dreamland.

Once I knew she was asleep, I went out to the living room and I cried. Oh, I cried good. A puffy-eyed in the morning type cry. Because, although I kept trying to remind myself that it actually tells me that this girl is doing something right with Summer if Summer equates her with things that “mommy” means to her – love, fun, safety, security – it still broke my heart for a moment.

A moment I never thought I would have to live.


Filed under divorce, Family, Kids, life, Love, Parenting, sadness

oh yeah…


Heeeeeeeey there…

It’s funny, the longer I went without blogging, the harder it was to figure out what to write about and it turned into this nasty downward blogging spiral of, “ooo that just happened, I should write about it… but well then there were those 14,234 other things I wanted to write about, too. Maybe I should do those first. But yeah, that was 3 months ago so, I… just don’t know…”

So I’m putting it all out, 1 big old lump of 3 months of living wrapped up in 1 post full of pretty pictures. Yep, that’ll do nicely.



“Momma, there’s a booger on my finger.” (I have at least 4 different pics of this same pose on different days)…




Celebrating my bestie’s baby’s baptism, (now say that 3 times fast)…



van Goghs making their masterpieces…


The Nature Museum’s butterfly exhibit was really cool, but REALLY hard when you’re used to swatting at flying things near your head…



When you work remotely, it’s a big deal to actually see the people you work with, so selfies are always in order…






School pics. Who the frack is this 15 year old and what has she done with my baby?….





We visited a farm right down the road from us and had a blast….




The life of preschooler knees…



Mother’s Day…









Please excuse the exclamation points, I just got to see so many work people in 1 month which is rare and makes me “!!!”


“Mommy, can I do makeup, too?”

“Sure sweet pea, but only the eye shadow”…

Nailed it.






This is what happens when the above rolls in….





4th birthday celebrations with mommy and daddy, we agreed to always try to celebrate her birthday together…






Human bubbles at ABT…

IMG_2838  IMG_2872

Long Grove Strawberry Festival….




It’s been a fun few months :)


Filed under Birthday, Easter, home, Kids, life, Love, Parenting, Summer

Easter in photos

It’s official, Easter trumps Christmas as favorite holiday in my book. As much as I love Christmas decorations, putting them up and taking them down is a lot of work. As much as I love the act of giving Christmas gifts, it usually requires boatloads of money and I have unfortunately forgotten the combination to my vault full of gold and riches. And as much as I love Santa….


There’s nothing bad I can say about Santa.

But really, Easter? All a good Easter requires is a dress that twirls really really well…


 Bunny ears for dogs…


And kiddos….


And Dabba Doo (my dad’s grandpa name)…


Maybe some bobby pins to hold them in place…


A couple dozen eggs…


Bunny-eared selfies…


Maybe some donuts…


Mini pretty colored chairs…


Pretty babies in pretty bows….


Pretty babies in pretty bows…ok, I may have already mentioned that but, come on, these babies are too cute to not mention again…


And again…


And again…


Cousin lovin’…


An auntie who will let you tackle her and gouge her eyes out…


And a backyard squirt bottle chase (or is that just my family?)…


‘Twas a very fun Easter this year.


Happy Friday… if you need me, I’ll be over here in my best twirly dress spinning happy Friday spins.

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Filed under Easter, Family, Kids, life, Love, Parenting

in one week, for one week


A week from now, Summer will be in California with her daddy, his family and his girlfriend for a family member’s wedding and a trip to Disneyland.

7 days.

My longest stretch away from my baby was 5 days for my last Team Building back in October and it was tough, but I was in another state constantly doing things with people I only get to see once a year. My mind was occupied. I, of course, missed Summer like crazy and we FaceTimed when we could, and we survived. Next week will be different though. This time she is the one flying to the other side of the country, she’ll be busy and she’ll have fun and her mind will be occupied, and I will be the one here at home.

In a very quiet apartment.

Logging off my computer at 4pm as usual but with no urgency to fly out the door to go pick her up from preschool.

I’m kind of dreading not seeing this face for 7 days…


If given the choice of a week of no mommy-ing – actually sleeping in until 7, not having to repeat “brush your teeth” 10 times with one foot out the door, not choosing mac n’ cheese for dinner again just to put off the grocery shopping one more day – versus a week of all of it – single-mommying a three-year-old full of ups, downs, her sweet little strangling hugs and her angry face followed with “mommy, I’m mad at you”‘s, I would pick her every second of every day.

7 days. I can do this. Hell, I don’t really have a choice. I’ve told some of my mommy friends that I may drop by unannounced next week to hang out with their kids if I’m having child withdrawal. That should help some.

And FYI if you see this, they totally mean that other Jaime.


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Filed under Kids, life, Parenting, Travel