patience

“At the end of the day, you can either focus on what’s tearing you apart inside, or focus on what’s holding you together.”

The divorce process sucks.

Plain and simple. It fucking sucks.

It’s been a little over 4 months since we sold the house and moved out, and I am finding myself here with feet firmly planted on a mountainside with the sun shining on my shoulders and a raging tornado right next to me that keeps trying to knock me over.

The damn tornado  – it just won’t fizzle out, as much as I want it to and as hard as I try to will it away, it just keeps spinning and swirling, whispering in my ear as it goes round, “you’re alone….” “you can’t afford this anymore…” “you don’t get to see your own baby every day of her life…” “nobody is coming home from work to you anymore…” “you’re going to end up in debt again…” “no one is going to save you…”

And yet the dazzling sunshine is warm on my shoulders, rays of happiness singing softly, “no more fighting…” “no more tension…” “you can breathe again…” “the hardest part is over…” “you’re vibrantly living life again…” “you’re doing this and you’re doing it well…” “your baby is getting to see the happy in you…”  “you don’t need saving, you’re absolutely fine…” “you are brave for choosing the life you deserve…”

I so much like the sunshine better.

Yesterday I saw someone going through a dumpster, I watched as they shook out a pair of jeans they found. And my first thought was, “what a whackadoo going through the garbage, so gross…”, and then I thought about my apartment with its cushy carpeting, comfy couch, warm beds, clothes in the closets and food in the fridge, and my thoughts about this person out there took a complete turn. This person was looking for necessities in other people’s’ garbage and they didn’t give a shit who saw because it wasn’t about other people, it was about doing whatever the hell it takes to survive. And despite the tornado that keeps slapping me upside the head and throwing me into a funk, despite the divorce process and the broken heart I’m mending in therapy, despite the trying to figure out how to make $100 pay for $200 worth of groceries, I understood in that moment that life could be so much harder; unfathomably harder like it must be for anyone so desperate for things that they have to turn to the garbage to find them.

I’m going through a divorce and it is awful.

I’m dealing with a hole in my heart and it hurts.

I’m full of anxiety and it’s scary.

But…

I’m going through a divorce to make life better and I have to go through the storm to get there.

I’m dealing with a hole in my heart, but it’s been broken before and I have somehow always managed to glue it back together.

I’m full of anxiety every time I talk to my lawyer – a stress that will end soon and thank effing God for payment plans.

It’s hard, but it’s all doable.

Silver linings, baby. I have a good job. I have a happy healthy 2-year-old who likes to snuggle with her momma (and throw all her toys across the room and wake up at 5:30am and take her clothes off right before we have to go somewhere, ha). I have a nice place to call home and a good reliable car. I have friends who make me feel like my old self again, who worry about me and support me and tell me with full conviction that I am the strongest, bravest person they know. I have family who is always there for me no matter what, and would never let me get to the point where I’m looking for my next pair of pants in a dumpster. At the end of the day, my girl and I are safe and we’re happy. The tough parts, the stress and the worry and the uneasiness that have built up in this big ugly raging tornado, are a blip on the Doppler that will eventually pass leaving behind blue skies and peace and me standing, eyes closed, head back on this mountainside soaking in sunshine again. I hope nothing but the same for the person I saw yesterday.

It will take time, this I know, but as of today it is officially Spring and the warm is coming…