One year ago today, I shattered my own heart into a million pieces.
I had a man by my side who was soft-spoken, selfless and kind, and he loved me in a way that I had never experienced before. But I didn’t know how to receive that kind of love and my reaction to it was… not pretty. After years of being fiercely independent, being let down by men, and doing everything on my own, when I met Rick I felt in a way unworthy of this man and the wonderful things he did for me, no matter how big or small. He’d take out my garbage or cook dinner or walk my doggies and I’d feel guilty. I’d find myself on edge and resistant before he’d even pull in my driveway. I didn’t understand why I felt this way towards a man who lifted me up and offered me a safe place to fall. Why the comfort he offered made me uncomfortable. Why I didn’t feel off the first couple of years (um because… wine), but then four years into our relationship I felt like I was trapped in my own messy mind and I needed to get out of it (because… no more wine). And as cliché as it absolutely is, it wasn’t him, it was me. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, neither was I, yet this was a battle I was fighting with myself. Becoming alcohol-free opened up old wounds I hadn’t realized were still there. Something in me was screaming to change. And although I couldn’t verbalize or pinpoint an exact reason to do so, I ended the relationship to go walk the front lines of the fight going on in me.
One year ago today… when I called him, he was cooking dinner. When I told him, he was silent. When I got off the phone, I was numb. I’m sure he was, too.
When I had said goodbye to alcohol nine months before that, I had gone through a physical transformation – I dropped 10 pounds, I got my energy back, I started going to yoga, I slept better, I woke up better, I became a better parent, employee, sister, daughter, and friend. Everything in my daily life was easier and lighter but mentally I had some work to do. I had found myself in a place where no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t convince myself to rely on a man or trust his intentions when I had lived the previous 20 years having men teach me they were wolves in sheep’s clothing – unreliable, untrustworthy and selfish. I don’t believe that I would have been able to find the clarity and healing that I have if I hadn’t ended the relationship, regardless of how wonderful he was, and focus solely on my relationship with myself for however long it would take.
Over the eight months or so that followed, I went through a personal transformation. Therapy was the catalyst for that. I had a lot of ah-ha moments regarding my childhood, my mom, my relationships with my sisters, and why for YEARS I had chosen selfish men who treated me poorly (if you’re an ex reading this, you’re probably one of them). And why, when I met the one genuine man who treated me like a queen, I didn’t know what to do with it. I slowly learned to let go of a lot of the things others did to me that I had blamed myself for. I learned to believe that I had done the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time and I no longer held myself responsible for other people’s behavior. I learned that when it came to men, it wasn’t all men, just the ones I had made far too many excuses for. When I took the time to heal, I grew. I broke out of a box I hadn’t realized I was stuck in and I was finally free. I emptied that baggage, sorted it, folded it, then lit it on fire and threw away the suitcase. I finally understood my worth. I finally believed I deserved the love that I had always wanted.
For a brief period, I ventured back into the world of fuckery, also known as online dating. And my personal growth pulled up a chair to that shit show – I saw the red flags and I didn’t ignore them. I had no problem walking away from men who years ago I would have given more time than they deserved while they told their lies, stepped over my boundaries, and gave excuses for their behavior. I made myself the priority and I didn’t settle for less than I deserved. I didn’t try to teach guys how to treat me because I have learned that isn’t my job. This… right here… this woman’s message is pure gold:
Let Them – @ally_yost TikTok
And during that time, of course I thought about Rick. The more I healed, the more I knew deep down that he wasn’t like the other men I’ve known. For four years, he had shown me his true self and had given me the love I had always wanted and I had been too skeptical to believe that it could be real. And on a random Friday after the better part of a year of no contact, I hit send on an email to him and had no hesitation or regrets. I also knew damn well that I would never hear back and that was ok, I had no hidden agenda or hope that it would change the outcome. I had no idea where he was, if he had me blocked, if he was in a relationship, if he hated me. In my message I didn’t romanticize the relationship or ask for him back or ask to catch up. It was an apology and an acknowledgement of my part in how we got where we were, how I wish I had had the clarity to work on myself before we met. It was healing for me and I had hoped it would offer a little healing for him as well. It was punny, it was to the point, it was vulnerable, it was honest. Like I’ve learned to do over the last two years, I spoke my thoughts regardless of the outcome. And then I went about my day.
The next day, Summer and I went to lunch and got our nails done. We were gone for hours. We decided to head home and as I pulled in my garage, Rick’s car pulled up behind mine. He. Showed. Up. And in that moment, all of the grief I had felt since saying goodbye almost a year before left me – there are no words to describe the feeling I had in that moment and I’ll never forget it. We talked until 3am. We shared online dating horror stories. We talked about what happens from here. We talked about baby steps and we both now know that neither of us knows what that means. We decided that our breakup time would forever be referred to as ‘the experiment’ and that the experiment failed miserably…. or it was a raving success… depending on how you looked at it. We talked about what we’ve learned about ourselves and what that means for our future. We talked about the things we’ll do differently. We talked about how we never really left each other. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary a few weeks later.
One year ago today, I shattered my own heart into a million pieces so I could put it back together the right way. I deserve the love that I want… and I found him.